I realised something about myself: I am not the easily starstruck type..
I've seen some of my favorite bands play live (elbow, death cab) and I've hugged my favorite, favourite favourite singer (David cook!) but in all honesty in those moments I have never been actually extremely happy/excited haha it's just been some mild excitement.
I mean like yeah the dc hug was kinda awesome and it's something to tick off my bucket list! But honestly I was more excited and awed hearing him sing live. Guess to me it boils down the music and not so much the people behind it, idk if that's a bad thing or not.
(David cook you are still the best singer in my heart and the very first person I fangirled over ok bye)
1) I cannot bring myself to tell you "lets meet" so a "hope to see you" will suffice. And when I say it, I mean it
Sometimes obligatory becomes so regular that it will end up not being an obligation but a self initiation.
But I am too scared to initiate.
2) I really am beating myself up over the fact that you are like this now. It really hurts my heart a lot. I know that, yes it probably isn't my fault that you are like this, but I should have done something. I should have done more. And I found out months later. I am such a terrible friend. I am sorry. Really I am sorry. I will stand by you until the day you are ready to open up. It may be tomorrow, next month or when we are 30. It doesn't matter. I will wait.
Should have went through all lengths to find out the truth, but really would that have made a difference? But i feel really guilty to think that I've been enjoying my life without even bothering to go and find out. I mean. I did. But to me, it's not enough.
Do you know the day I found out, I could not stop crying? You did not deserve any of that. this is not within our control. But through this, you will get stronger. I'm sharing the burden with you whether you feel it or not, buddy. I believe you will get better. And you have been, and always will be, my best.
3) so we are stepping down soon and truthfully speaking I am slightly disappointed that I am not in the contingent? Although it was expected it is still a disappointment nonetheless. But ok whatever..... I don't want to use my physical disabilities as a crutch. But I guess it will always be a crutch whether I like it or not.
4) why didn't I do better? Or maybe I just expect too much. But maybe I don't, because it was an already low expectation. But. It wasn't good. Maybe to others it is but to me it isn't.
Life is good I mean like it is good. Of course there are some blips but come on this is part and parcel of life.
I like school, I do I do I do but it gets rather draggy at times and I rather be in church than in school, definitely. I like the people in school though, they make school so much better. And learning stuff can be okay at times. So that's that. Although it's our o level year this year I am not really feeling the pinch.
I miss you a lot and it's been awhile since I cried because I missed someone too much. It's really.....it sucks to realise that the fact is I am not really gonna see you again and you have been someone really important in my life so that really sucks. One day we will go out I hope but it just won't be the same. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Miss having you around. Out of all you are the one I really liked and maybe that's why I cannot accept it. And I don't even know what is going on with you, I am worried okay..it really hurts my heart and just thinking about it can make me cry again. Yes, I feel broken over some person who I don't even romantically like yup idk what
Also I don't really like telling people about what is going on in my head...I have just noticed how I somewhat regret telling people things. Not because I don't trust them but because I just don't like them to know. It is kinda weird to me haha. That's mostly why I keep all of this in my heart.. And to maybe like one person who can differ.
I have been doing quiet time very irregularly but now praying has became the center of my daily life it is something I do everywhere and I am so happy about it because it gives me a calmness and an ebb of happiness....although things cannot immediately be resolved, praying gives me that healing effect already. I love you lord, you are my amazing savior.
Social detox soon cos I think that I have been taking too much time slacking and using my phone I hate that I use my phone a lot too. Maybe once next week and again before mid year when I have to study. Hopefully I can do well for mid year (not very likely I will do super well but) so I can dsa or dpa somewhere hahaha I have sort of thought of where I want to go but I require confirmation from god so I will pray about it and see what is the verdict and will ask others....
I am so so so thankful for bg^2 they keep me levelheaded. Today was just a day of everyone-understands haha love love love seeing this bunch in uhhhhh 39 hours yes I am counting
I feel like I am a mediator sometimes....which isn't a job that is very heavily credited but I don't really need if anyway....it's okay if everything is okay
APRIL GOALS 🌴👼💕
1) do this thing I wanted to do at least alternate days
2) do this thing I wanted to do at least twice this month
3) social media detox
4) study physics / chem (3 chapters each)
5) stop skipping school ahahahha
6) cut out certain social obligations for things of higher priorities
7) be a better friend (life goal)
Worship extravaganza yesterday, the very last service? In g1. Although I'm from g2, that g1 chapel is the place where I recommitted my life to god around a year or so ago. It sort of is one of the places that are very..significant in my life although I only go there on a weekly basis for j333. Anyways, really looking forward for the new church to be built in 2015! We would be 18 then, wonder how we would be then...
Today was quite a trying day for me. I wouldn't say it was bad because it definitely wasn't, but it was one of those days when I was just overall grouchy. Many apologies to those seated around me because I am never really that grouchy and generally hyper/cheerful or the occasional sleepy haha...many thoughts clouded and still are clouding my head now and I don't know how I can let it go. Praying has definitely made it better than it would have been but maybe some sort of confirmation/conclusion would bring about some comfort in me. But definitely I shall get back up and continue with life. Shall not let these things affect me! This week may be a trying one but I have an even greater god and an even greater will to fight against these thoughts.
But anyway..today was an okay day, since it is April fools day Vincent came charging (ok more like stumbling) into class in the morning with a mask and asked me and Vineeth weird questions I didn't really understand but it's ok because it was somewhat entertaining and I got a kinder bueno out of participating. And 05 and 04 history and geog kids switched classes as a prank for mr siah and mrs ang, thank god they are not those...angry kind of teachers and are overall nice and accommodating haha.
Abrupt end to this post, I want to sleep and I am so hungry I could eat 5 cows
Also: why I am thankful for BG^2 2012, they brightened up my day so much in the morning, and bea and zak gave me encouragement when I was complaining about my inability to do math at that point of time haha 💕💕💕
(Because no matter how the situation may seem I always manage to pick myself up with gods provision and I am still joyful)
Tmr is Easter service and I am really really excited for moh^2 to come :-) and I am happy that I am happy!
Today, Good Friday svc which was extremely moving and stuff. Haha sirui came along too :-) we had lunch and lepak at popular for 1 hour yupp the things we do
Major BG^2 spam just now how terrible haha I still love you guys a lot
Jesus died on the cross for our sins. It may seem like nothing to you but take awhile to meditate on that. Would you die for people who don't even know you or hate you, yeah just think about that for awhile, goodnight fellas
- school started
- 4 day long week yes I am so happy
- waiting for the 3 day long weekend
- that shld be you
- spent a lot of my holiday with churchmates
- although it was academically unfruitful I couldn't ask for my holidays to be different, spent it with the best and encountered the most high :')
- Starbucks with Shirleen
- just hoping..
- 3 days of courage.
- somehow I am selfish in this part of my life..it really bothers me that I am, I know I shouldn't be, but yet I still am. I hope..God will change this mindset.
- too accustomed to how things are now.
- change..I wish I could embrace this one in particular.
I think one of the greatest compliments that I have received and will ever receive is that I'm a cheerful/happy/joyful person. It really makes me happy to know that I am known for being happy...i owe it to God, firstly, and also, my already positive mindset before I met God again. I guess things may happen to me, things that may or may not be counted as serious..but in the end, I feel that if I have the chance to complain about how crappy my life is, my life probably isn't that crappy at all. I've always had this thinking that things will always get better and there's no use dwelling on negative things, what for when there's so much to be thankful for? :-) so to everyone reading this: smile. Be happy for every little thing in your life. The roof above your head. Friends, even though their number may seem small to you, friends nonetheless. And the fact that you can even read this! There's so much to be happy about.
I know at times it is difficult to be happy and for myself there are times when I dwell in my sadness because it seems like the easier way out. Sometimes it's just really difficult to smile through whatever you're going through. But once you do i guess you can face everything better. Don't let your problems win, you're the victor over your problems :-)